I know I’ve said, “Today is my last day of college.” a couple of times before. Once was during the last day of class, and the other time was during the last day of my finals exam. But this time, it’s real. I am officially no longer a student of Sunway University College. I am no longer a part of C.I.M.P.
Today, I filled in the Student Completion Form and handed my student ID card back to the people at the office. As much as I hated how terrible I looked in the student ID card photo, it was still hard for me to take it out of my purse for one last time. I should be saying, “Good riddance! I don’t have to see it any more!” But instead, I was thinking about how important the number 11028787 was to me for the past 9 months. I think I’ve probably typed out the number for a higher amount of times than I have of my IC number, and I’m not even exaggerating.
Then, I collected my finals results from Ms. Leezah. After signing all the paper works and completing all the forms, she handed the huge envelope which contained my results in it. I was supposed to have that “oh-my-god-my-whole-future-depends-on-this-piece-of-paper-in-this-envelope!” kind of moment, but it was ruined because one of the forms which I had to sign before getting the envelope stated that I graduated with honours and not distinction, which means my avearage was only 80% and above.
How disappointing. Ok, yeah, I did get 93% for both English and Communication Technology, 90% for Economics, and 78% for World Issues. The three 90s are already quite a tough feat, me thinks, so it was actually something worth celebrating. And I was also sad that I got a B for World Issues, but wasn’t too depressed about it because I kinda expected that since my mid term marks was already 81%. But I wasn’t glad at all. I immediately calculated my total average mark, including the 86% for Advanced Functions and 88% for Interdisciplinary Studies, and the calculation ended with a big fat 88% at the end.
I know I’m supposed to be grateful, and according to the course median, I am far above average, and I’m sure there are people who would be ecstatic with results like mine, but it still wasn’t good enough. There’s nothing for me with only 88%. Nothing. All the universities that I’ve checked out only offers scholarship at either >95% or >90%, and nothing below that. I’ve thought about what I could have done to get a higher score and nothing came to mind. But why do I feel so guilty and so shitty about myself right now?
Right. Because I can see the disappointment in my parents’s eyes. The way they looked at me is as if I’m nothing but the black sheep in the family. I know I’m not living up to their expectations. The bar that Douglas ko had set was far too high for me to reach. It was bad enough that their dissatisfaction could clearly be seen on their face, but my mom just had to use that soft, “I’m-too-sad-to-even-raise-my-voice-at-you” tone and say to me, “很失望”. I snapped after hearing that. And I regretted it tremendously when I have cooled off a little bit. I shouldn’t have raised my voice at her. I don’t know what triggered that. But then again, maybe I do.
I guess I was more angry at myself then at them. I have failed myself. And that sucks.
